Native Chief Joke:

An Indian Chief was Lying down in the middle of the street with his ear pressed to the pavement, when 2 people walked up to him and said: "Hey Chief, what are you doing down there in the middle of the street for"?

The Chief replied: a man and a woman, two kids in the back and a dog, .....

The couple replied: Wow! you can tell who is coming in that detail just by listening to the ground?

The Chief replied no!

They just ran over me about ten minutes ago, ..

Native Jewish Chief Joke

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a
powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a
declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was
searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the
very demanding position;

1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!)

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why
he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box,
and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee
dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to
come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai
also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh!
Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to
demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened
a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is
that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to
kill."

Here is something very humorous:

Singing horses, just click here then click on which horse you want to sing. They can all sing together or one at a time.

Presidential Indian Joke

San Carlos, AZ-
 
During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES 9,637 times for every Indian issue ever introduced.  
 
Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle.
 
After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle is a bird so full of "shitz" it can't fly.

Some Of The Best Indian & Oklahoma Humor

TOP TEN REZ PICK-UP LINES (Used by women)

10. My old man is sitting out 90 days in the Tribal jail ... !
9. Call me when you get back from hunting and I'll dry your deer meat for you!
8. You were the only one I heard hit that high note at the '49!
7. I don't care if you lost your first two games, you're my tourney MVP!
6. Don't you ride bulls with my cousin?!
5. Would you like me to braid your hair before grand entry?!
4. You look GOOD in Wranglers!
3. Do you like homemade tortillas?!
2. Aren't you that one guy that was in "Dances With Wolves?!"

and the number one Rez woman pick-up line is:

Would you like to lick the fry bread grease off of my lips???


TOP TEN REZ PICK-UP LINES (Used by Men)

10. I heard you butcher so goot the dogs don't even get scraps!
9. When I look at you, you just make me feel ... somehow!
8. Schhhtttt'
7. You're even prettier than that girl in "Smoke Signals!"
6. Don't you barrel race with my cousin?
5. Really? You made that meal with commodities?
4. Wanna see all the belt buckles I won at INFR?
3. You don't have to pay me back, just split some with me if you Bingo!
2. Your pottery could win Best of Show at Indian Market!

and the number one Rez dude pick-up line is:

Weren't you Miss Indian World that one year?

Navajo Message To The Moon

In 1966, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City, where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar space suits.

Nearby, a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not. Later, they tried to get a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

Don't Mess With Indian Women

A Kiowa man has six beautiful children, and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home my little mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four!"

The following appeared in the July 5, 2001 issue of the Rapid City Journal, in a column entitled Four Directions, by Cheryl Long Feather, whose Indian name is Hunkuotawin. Cheryl writes for the Bismarck (N.D.) Tribune.

Commodify (kah MOD if eye) uncanny ability of Indian women to convert the ingredients of any standard cookbook recipe to commodity ingredients such as powered milk, powered eggs and canned meat.

Powwowvow (pow wow vow) the standard pledge of the powwow Romeo: "Sure, baby, I'll meet you at the next pow wow. Your're the only jingle dress dancer for me. Really! Look at this face. Would I lie?"

Moccashoe (Mock ah shoe) contemporary dancer footwear designed by beading the top of tennis shoes or aquasocks instead of making moccasins the old fashion way.

Skinship (SKIN ship) the eventual relative connection that all Indian people, discover within 10 minutes of meeting each other.

Vis a cheese(VEES ah cheez) mode of exchange in which a block of commidity cheese can purchase other goods or services.

Indinferior (IN din FEER ee your) a manifestation of self oppression; the practice of Indians looking down on other Indians for either not speaking the language or not being full blood or not participating in ceremonies or not living on the rez or not wearing braids or not dancing in pow wows or not having etc.etc., blah blah.

BIease (BEE EYE eez) an affliction within the Bureau of Indian Affairs characterized by the inability to keep track of millions of dollars.

Snaggravated (SNAG ra vayt ed) the annoying feeling one gets upon realizing that last night's snag isn't quite as hot in the light of day.

Triballistic (tribal ISS tik) to become irrational and incoherent upon hearing the latest self serving, short sighted and illogical decision made by the local tribal council.

Rezercize (REZ er size) the involuntary health regime of walking everywhere on the rez since your Indian car broke down for good.

Fordrum (FORD drum) the instrument used for singing purposes when a regular drum is not available; usually the dented hood of a one eyed Ford.

Frybreadth (FRY bredth) a unit of measurement based on the standard size of a piece of auntie's frybread.

AlterNative (alter NAY TIV) an individual who was born and raised in the non Indian culture but recently "discovered" a "hidden" Indian ancestor so now uses pithy Indian phrases, assumes a name such as Laughing Rainbow, White Wolf or Dreams of Eagles, calls all Indian people Brother and Sister and wears genuine Hong Kong beadwork; usually found in the East and West coast region but had documented sighting in other regions as well.

Councilmenopause (cown sil MEN oh paws) a disorder characterized by hot flashes, profuse sweating impairment of speech and loss of memory; normally occurs only to tribal councilmen when cornered by a constituent.

Disunderstanding (DISS under stand ing) when non Indians think that they understand why tribes and individual Indians are the way they are, but attribute any and all behavior to the culture or the race.

NEW NDN SURVIVOR SERIES!

10 people will be dropped into a reservation where they will have to endure one week of hardship, gossiping, backstabbing, jealousy, teepee creeping, 49ing, and be able to survive on high-fat, high cholesterol foods (USDA approved).

The 10 contestants will be given:
* Five sacred rocks.
* Rez car with no doors and no backglass.
* Unwinterized HUD house.
* Three days worth of food stamps.
* Five days of of continuous "PowWow Highway" clips.
* Moccasins, headband & feathers to wear around the rez (which demonstrates cultural sensitivity to reservation inhabitants).

The lone survivor of RESERVATION SURVIVOR will receive:
* Casino coupon book (a $10.00 value).
* Authentic, Indian hand-made Dreamcatcher.
* A "Princess Pale Moon" Edition Pendleton blanket.

How To Tell If You're An Okie

It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash (Will Rogers).
You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Tecumseh, Okemah and Chickasha.
You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point, & you've made a beer run to another state.
A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
If you have ever had this conversation: "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."
"Vacation" means going to the family reunion or a pow-wow.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
You measure distance in minutes.
You use fix as a verb. Example: "I am fixin' to go to the store".
You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
You actually "get" these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Oklahoma.

You Have To Love Indian Women...

...For their ability to play rez ball, take care of 20 kids, and manage to make sandwiches at the same time when at a basketball tournament.
...For their quick response to guys saying "shht, shht."
...For any reason to say "Aye!" at the end of a joke.
...For their ability to cram 20 people in one room at the Super 8 motel during a powwow.
...For their ability to make commodity food taste like a 4-star culinary feast.
...For their ability to expertly point with their lips at that fine grass dancer with the long braids.
...For their ability to make a rez car look good.
...For their ability to change a tire.
...For their ability to work wonders with bailing wire and, of course, duct tape!
...For their ability to keep sweat pants fashionable no matter what the occasion.
...For their ability to make that all-tourney T-shirt and shorts into the one and only Indian "swimsuit."
...For their ability to stay out all Friday night at the Indian casino and still hit the Saturday yard sales.
...For their ability to make Black Lodge miss a beat with her long hair, shady brown eyes, and feather light dancing.
...For their ability to lead all the round dance songs at Gathering's 49.
...For their tendency to want to bead every clothing item of the entire family.
...For their ability to give one "look" at their man to shut him up.
...For her ability to go the store with those infamous pink rollers in her hair with not one hint of embarrassment.
...For their ability to somehow get her husband to ask for some of his money out of his own paycheck.
...And last but not least for their wonderful ability to sneak 10 extra drumsticks of chicken and biscuits into their Tupperware from the buffet in town to later feed the family.

How To Tell If You're "Rezzed Out"

Your first toy was an empty commodity box
You have to wait to have your birthday party at the beginning of the month when mom or grandma gets their check, even when your birthday is in the middle of the month
Everyone in your family works for the tribal casino
Everytime you see a line, you jump in thinking that you're getting surplus cheese
You & your friends have all gone out with the exact same people
Your favorite sport is snaggin'
You & your family carry on old feuds, but don't know why anymore
Your 2nd favorite sport is telling everyones business
You're 45 & you and your snag still live at home with your parents
You live for fire season, powwow season, basketball season, & rodeo season, just to get off your rez
You still wear your MVP sweatshirt from 1979
You're 40 & still try to snag on young ones

You Might Be Kiowa If...

You can eat kidneys and frybread for breakfast.
You point with you lips.
You believe that getting the "already sliced" kind of commodity cheese was the best thing that ever happened.
You direct deposit your paycheck to the local Wal-mart.
Your vehicle always seems to have a coating of fine red dust all over it.
You drink coffee before you go to sleep.
Your car has more than two dents and a hole in the trunk where the keyhole used to be.
You use the expressions like "is it", "ayeee", and "oh-guh".
You describe someone as acting "some kinna way."
You give all your directions by reference to the "Pache Y."
You think that meat is best cooked when it is boiled.
You have a "boat", but it doesn't belong in the water.
You find long lost family members at the Red Carpet Inn buffet line in Anadarko.
You go to the Carnegie movies just for the hot dogs.
You put "ah-tat-hi" on everything you eat.
You know that when someone is "stink" it doesn't refer to how they smell.
When out of state, people ask you to start the 49 songs.
You don't look back when driving through "The Gap."
You think John Cope is the best "taw-koy" ever born because of his pre-made dried corn.
You hoard number 13 Czech cut beads, especially the "periwinkle blue" ones.
Your dogs like left over stew, cold frybread, bote, and corn soup better than dog food.
You have a relative nick-named after something to eat (e.g. cornbread, chili, biscuit,...)
Your child thinks that "maw-bane" is his Indian name.
Its not Christmas until you get your "candy sack" from the local Indian church.
You save your best shirt for the "main day".
You have an auntie that can turn a pile of rations into a 12 course dinner.
You're proud of your "commod bod."
You prefer to travel down the "Indian road" rather than Highway 9.
You know someone who has got stray mescal beans, cut beads, buckskin pieces, and shawl fringes under the mats in their car or under sofa cushions.
You don't know the real name of at least one relative, having always referred to them by their childhood nickname.
You hold out your hand and twist it back and forth to get someone's attention.
You know where "Spur, Squaretop, Greg's Corner, and Dirty Shame" are located.
You have 450 persons you call "my cousin."
Your "off-tribe" friends think that "pah-bee" is someone's first name.
You know what the "pizza" song is.
You used the word "Bay-gah" at least once today.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

SOVEREIGN INDIAN: This is the Chickens inherent right as he is indigenous to this land!!!
MILITANT INDIAN: That chicken should block the road, not cross the road!!!
GRASSROOT INDIAN: If the darn chickens need to get across the road, let 'em cross the darn road!
COLONIZED INDIAN: Chiggens should never cross the roads that white men built before the great white father crosses it first. If the white father crosses it, it is good. We must then follow.
AMERICANIZED INDIAN: We must have roads. We must cross the roads that the white man built for us. We have to be thankful to the white man for this. I don't know why you Indians are always complaining. You embarrass us. Chickens are good for us.
REPUBLICAN INDIAN: It's true that that white man built those roads for us. We are merely chickens. We will always be chickens until we learn to build those roads ourselves - for profit.
DEMOCRATIC INDIAN: The chicken crossed the road because he didn't have enough funding.
TRADITIONAL INDIAN: Those chiggens weren't traditional because they were supposed to be on it - not crossing it!
INDIAN GRANDPA: I think he was runnin' away from rezidential school.
URBAN INDIAN: That chicken crossed the road 'cause it was a city, man. You know what I mean?
NEW AGE INDIAN: It was basically because of Jungian dream therapy, drumming, sweatlodges, my shaman, and long walks on the beach, near my beach house.
POW WOW INDIAN That chicken must have been heading to a 49!
EDUCATED INDIAN: I think it has to do with Einstein's theory which basically posits: "Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?"
REZ INDIAN: Whats a chicken?
IHS INDIAN: I really don't care why he crossed that road. We still aren't paying for no stinkin hospital bills.
BIA INDIAN: They crossed it because of CFR 49, Section 11299, gives them the authority to do so, under Department of Interior regulations, in the Executive Branch. They wrote a grant and we funded them. We are very proud of them.
KFC INDIAN: I'll take a leg, a thigh, with corn and potatoes. Extra Crispy, please.
TRIBAL INDIAN COUNCIL: The chicken crossed the road before we did? Fire his family!!!

Did You Hear The One About...

A Cree man and a Ojibway woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The Cree man in the upper berth, and the Ojibway woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night the Cree man leans over, wakes the Ojibway woman and says,"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket." The Ojibway woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married." The Cree man happily says, "OK! AWESOME!" Then the Ojibway woman says "GOOD..... Get your own blanket."

Top 10 Things To Say To A Non-Indian Upon First Meeting

10. How much white are you?
9. I'm part white myself, you know.
8. I learned all your people's ways in the Boy Scouts (Order of the Bullet).
7. My great-great-grandmother was a full-blooded European princess.
6. Funny, you don't look white.
5. Where's your powdered wig and knickers?
4. Do you live in a covered wagon?
3. What's the meaning behind the square dance?
2. Oh wow, I really love your hair! Can I touch it?
1. What's your feeling about river-boat casinos? Do they really help your people, or are they just a short-term fix?


WAYS THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF SANTA WERE INDIAN